Tennis gets everybody laid
by Unicorn of death
Summary: A oneshot in which Demyx and Roxas play tennis, and Xigbar and Axel watch. Rated T for a reason, containing AkuRoku and XigDem, and poorly written because Unicorn of death is tired.


**Tennis gets everybody laid**

**Warnings: **Much stalking, sex references and swearwords. And Roxas in a maid outfit.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned it, Final Mix would be available in Britain. For free. And it would come with Nutella.

xxx

Roxas, Axel noticed, was breathing heavily, coated in a thin layer of sweat, his shorts riding up and his hair flopping to one side.

Xigbar was secretly very glad that Roxas looked like that, because it took the redhead's attention away from Demyx, who was also completely exhausted in the sexiest way.

"You're a genius, Xigbar," Axel breathed, his eyes never straying from Roxas, who had just served the ball slightly wonky and was grimacing as Demyx's return went right over his head. "You're an absolute genius, man."

Xigbar was about to shrug when he realised that it would create a whole lot of unnecessary noise. You see, unlike most tennis spectators, Axel and Xigbar were not sitting in chairs. They were hardly sitting at all – rather, they were half-sitting, half-crouching in a bush, Xigbar watching Demyx and Axel watching Roxas.

"Yeah, well. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to notice that there's a bush within viewing distance f the tennis court. And Dem kept talking about how sweaty he gets when playing tennis, so I figured I'd go and have a look."

"Real nice of you to invite me along to watch Roxas, though," Axel mused quietly, adjusting his position in the bush so that he wasn't in quite as much pain.

Xigbar bit his lip as Demyx lost yet another point to Roxas. "You should tell your boyfriend to stop beating Dem so badly at tennis. He's getting upset."

"If Demyx is upset, you can comfort him. When Roxas loses, though..." Axel performed an affected shudder and Xigbar rolled his working eye. "It's not pretty, I tell you. Do you realise just how much Roxie time I lose because he's out here training so he can beat your boyfriend?"

"He isn't my boyfriend," Xigbar pointed out, not even needing to add on the "but I wish he was" because Axel knew it was there. Technically, Axel and Roxas weren't an item yet either, but at least Axel actually got some from time to time. The closest Xigbar had ever come to having sex with Demyx was the game of Twister at that party last month, and while that had been really quite enjoyable, it wasn't exactly enough to satisfy him.

"Hey, Dem?" Roxas panted, catching the ball instead of returning it and taking a few steps forwards to lean against the net. "Did you hear something weird?"

"Weird how? Like, human?" Roxas nodded. "Yeah, actually, I did. What d'you think it is?"

In their bush, Xigbar and Axel were deathly silent.

"Probably nothing. Still, we should call it a day. It's really warm out; wouldn't wanna get heat exhaustion or whatever, right?"

The two blondes picked up their balls (_tennis_ balls, unfortunately for their stalkers) and wandered towards the showers, talking animatedly about how Demyx was definitely getting better and Roxas needed to work on his backhand and the weird noise was probably just a cat, anyway.

xxx

"Hey, Demyx."

Demyx looked up from the magazine he'd been reading. Axel was standing over him, the creepy smile that he usually reserved for Roxas stuck on his pale face. "Hi, Axel, are you looking for Roxas?"

"No, actually, I wanted to talk to you." Feeling deeply uneasy, Demyx closed his magazine and set it down on the table in front of him. "You see... well... it's Xigbar."

"What about him? He's okay, right?" Demyx somehow doubted that the one-eyed nutjob could have got hurt, especially since Axel was delivering the news with his creepy face on, but he still had to worry.

"Well, he's okay, yes, but... well... I think that he's been stalking you, Demyx. Watching you play tennis, sneaking into your room while you're asleep... goodness knows what he's planning to do to you..." Axel raised an eyebrow suggestively, but, Demyx being Demyx, he just looked blank. "He might be out to _kill_ you..."

"Kill me?" Demyx repeated with some panic, almost leaping out of his chair.

"Yeah, maybe. Or _maybe_ he wants to fuck you..."

Demyx's jaw dropped. "I hope it's that one."

"Oh, you do? Really?" Well, Xigbar would be pleased to hear that. Axel would have to be sure to keep that information under his hat for as long as possible so that he could use it when it was most convenient for him.

"Well, yeah, I mean... it's better than him being out to kill me, right?" Demyx laughed nervously, aware that he had just let slip something that was almost definitely going to come back to haunt him.

"Riiiiight..." Axel said slowly, personally believing that death would be _far_ better than fucking Xigbar. "Well, I'm off to have a quick chat with Xigbar, so I'll see you around, okay?"

Demyx nodded, still feeling horribly uneasy and wondering just how much trouble he'd just landed himself in.

xxx

"Hey, Roxas? Can I... can I talk to you about something?" Demyx asked, biting his lip anxiously as he peered into the younger blonde's face, which was impassive.

"Go ahead, Demyx."

"Well... Axel says that Xigbar's stalking me." Demyx scratched his ear nervously. "Which might explain what we heard when we were playing tennis earlier."

"Axel's full of bullshit, Dem, don't worry about it," Roxas said dismissively, turning the page of the book he was reading (some piece of shit called The Hunger Games).

Demyx took a deep breath. "And then he said that Xigbar might want to fuck me."

Roxas laughed hollowly, and Demyx felt his shouders fall, feeling quite dejected at Roxas's response. Why was it such a strange idea, that someone might want to fuck Demyx? "Good luck with that, Dem. Just let him down easy, all right?"

"But the thing is..." Demyx took a deep breath. "The thing is, I think that I like him back."

There was a dumbstruck silence in which Roxas, Demyx and the pot plant behind them were all silent. Then, from nowhere (nowhere meaning behind the pot plant) Xigbar emerged, scooped Demyx up in his arms, looked Roxas dead in the eye and mouthed something about Axel and maid outfits, and then carried Demyx off to his bedroom.

xxx

"Xigbar, I hate you."

"Relax, Axel will love it," he said easily, tying Roxas's corset ribbons in a large bow at the back and then turning the blonde to face him. "Just think of it as a thank you gift for helping _me_ get laid."

Demyx still couldn't walk straight.

"I look fucking _stupid_. Not even sexy or anything, just _stupid_." Roxas looked down at himself. You really couldn't tell that he was a boy, dressed like this. Well, there were a few telltale signs, one of which was a lack of breasts, and then, of course, the very slight five o'clock shadow beginning to dance along Roxas's chin.

"Here. Strawberry. I hear Axel likes it." Roxas took the lipgloss and began dabbing it on, looking for all the world like his sister Naminé's replica. "Now, wait here, I'll go get him."

There was the thudding of footsteps down the hall, some murmuring at the end, and then the appearance of a redhead.

"Shit. You... fuck. Roxas..." Axel found himself horribly speechless for a change, which was especially upsetting considering that he was a big talker. "You look so _sexy_..."

"You think so?" Roxas blushed, of course only adding to his own sex appeal. Axel crossed the room in a flash and immediately began undoing all of Xigbar's hard work, unlacing the corset, peeling down Roxas's tights –

Okay, if this didn't work, he was going to have to do all that mushy shit where he talked about his feelings and what he wanted out of their relationship and shit like that.

Thank fuck for tennis and maid outfits.

xxx

This was just a random idea I had during a PE lesson ages ago but couldn't be bothered to write until now.

I don't know why I keep writing oneshots. I've uploaded two oneshots and a chapter of A million munny tonight/this morning. I haven't slept all night so I've basically just made myself even more ill than I was to start with, not to mention exhausted. Still, it could be worse... somehow. Reviews are loved and suggestions are my friend. Loves for all.


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